Herman Cain’s Eulogy

Hearing of his dear friend’s death, Agent Orange informed the family he would be masklessly attending the services. They were thrilled.

The White House staff sprang into “travel mode,” i.e., finding the nearest PGA approved course so the President might get in 18 or even 36 holes. We’re talking golf here not grab ’em by the pussy. Normally a fair assumption but not for a somber occasion such as this.

Speech writing was picked up by a pasty skinned, pimpled staff prodigy from one of Virginia’s finest in-bred families. Their lineage dates back to Jamestown. The kid cut and pasted together a patchwork quilt remembrance worthy of Pericles.

The intern also benefitted from Trump’s file on Black Americans. The eulogy was sprinkled with tributes like “a seriously low IQ person,” “not really American” and “wasn’t even born in the US.”

Counselor to the President Kelly Conway happened to notice the draft on a desk as she bent over to barf into a wastebasket. No health concerns, just another purge to keep her adorable Size Zero runway figure. Although personally moved to tears, Conway realized it was not the right tone.

When a copy was leaked, the intern was removed from eulogy writing duties and reassigned. Meet your new chair of the COVID-19 Task Force!

The Cain family has since smoothed things over by saying services would be private and virtual. Agent Orange himself seemed a little contrite at his press conference, though he hid it well under his usual swagger.

After rambling on for over an hour about his new executive order restricting black home buying in the suburbs, he concluded by giving it an endearing sobriquet: Herm’s Law.

Legacies

Legacy in white with unknown vagrant.

One of my favorite Drag Queens of the Modern Era is my friend Douglas’ alter ego, Legacy. Now that I write these words I’m not sure if that’s even the correct spelling. Leg Assy would certainly be more appropriate. Until corrected, however, I’ll stick with traditional nomenclature.

He does a wonderful blend of trashy and elegant, which is not uncommon. His special give, however, is that he acts a little off. Like he’s been hit a couple of times in the head with a 2×4. Kind of Karen Black.

There is a slight reluctance in his manner because a gut feeling is telling him it’s wrong and he isn’t sure why. But it feels so good the only thing about his gut that really matters to him is the girdle cinching his waist.

When I read yesterday morning’s top stories I thought of one my favorite Nixon quotes: art is my weakness. It ranks right up there with his “I am not a crook” and “I’ve also stopped beating my wife.” I’ve been feeling weak ever since from the unending nausea that set in.

The article catching my attention was Jon McNaughton’s new portrait entitled Legacy of Hope. It is truly awful. So awful that I had to do my own version with more accurate subject matter.

Legacy is originally from Whittier which was Nixon’s birthplace. A couple verses of Will the Circle Be Unbroken may be in order right about now. If only as a soothing digestif.

 

From the Mouths of Babes

Karan Menon is great. Dispelling the stereotype that all National B champions are nerds.

Anyone else for a Biden-Menon ticket? Yes, it’s a woman’s turn but you have to latch onto genius when it presents itself.

And he is a babe too.

Karan Menon on:

The Supreme Court’s doctrine of qualified immunity (i.e., why police get away with murder.)

Why All Lives Matter is a bullshit response.

Voter Suppression in Less Than a Minute. 

 

Myth-Busting on a Summer’s Afternoon

Having defrocked so many benign fables of youth–Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Parity in the NFL–one of the biggest has been saved for last: Checks and Balances

Given this self-absorbed blog and my ego-centric mania, one might think I’m referring to a lifelong penchant for writing rubbery overdrafts. That talent remains in full force and its truth far exceeds its legend.

I’m talking about this beauty of the Constitution bullshit. Three co-equal branches that don’t let the other two get out of line. A quaint 18th Century concept that has never quite panned out.

With one stroke of the pen the Executive strikes down the Legislative. With a flourish of their robe hems, the Judiciary stops the other two branches in their tracks.

But Congress is a eunuch. All they do is bluster. “Disregard our subpoenas? Well…well….well you just wait until you see what we’re going to do next!” It always ends up to be nothing.

Contrary to how it’s marketed, the equalizing powers of Impeachment do not provide a forum for discovering the truth or enforcing the law. They are merely an exercise in partisan politics. I think Speaker Pelosi realized this when she delayed the Agent Orange proceedings so long.

With the exception of Nixon where it almost worked, the impeachment process today is invoked only when it’s known it will fail. It makes for great news-ertainment. It accomplishes nothing.

What’s missing in our democracy is an aggressive press. We should be reading headlines like: “Death Toll Rises as Trump Continues to Ignore Science;” “Trump Tells Americans to Drop Dead, Defunds Testing;” or, “Secret Police Attack Unsuspecting Citizens.” But we never will.

The media is owned by the corporate titans who favor the party of wealth preservation. In the name of balanced presentation and respect for the office they soft-pedal the tyrannical actions of Agent Orange.

The Left is never shown the deference even right wing racism is given. It’s thrown a couple of bones like Rachel Maddow perpetually flogging her dead horse as she preaches to the converted. Or Anderson Cooper’s 360 whose circumnavigation begins and ends at his own ass.

Democrats have allowed liberal to become a dirty word. They’ve never fought back. When you think how a liberal would have galvanized every mechanism of the State to crush this pandemic, it’s disgusting how Democrats shun the label. To me the grossest expletives in the English language are “Reagan Republicans” practicing “laissez-faire economics.”

Even if Biden is elected and Trump voluntarily steps down (both are questionable), there’s no guarantee the scoundrels of the current Administration will be held accountable. As White Houses change parties they tend to invoke gentlemen’s agreements not to pursue prosecutions. They’ll say they don’t want to rehash the past. Or it’s time to move on.

After what we’ve been through, the American people deserve to see there are consequences for malfeasance. As well as disregard for the rule of law will not be tolerated.

Which brings us to another debunked fairy tale: justice for all. Since we’re talking about entitled white men, they will just spend their money on lawyering-up to buy their own kind of jurisprudence.

Speaker Pelosi has picked up the Trump Virus Standard. Join her!

And remember you read it here first.

Sincerely,

Tomacita Pain

Trump Authors New, Improved Presidential Oath

John Q. Public gets the shaft while Q. Mortimer Patrician IV makes off like a bandit.

I here-eth by-eth pledge-eth to beguile-eth the masses
with pittances while rewarding the laziest one-percent
with the bulk of US Treasury holdings so they may
trickle on the general population. Amen-eth.

It’s yet to be determined if the swearing in will take place when federal troops seize the voting machines on Election Night or if they’ll wait until DH-SS troops storm the Electoral College. Both Jared and Ivanka have a series of botox injections in November and December that will need to be worked around.

In either case, the Roberts Court stands by to rubber stamp whatever Trump and McConnell want. This is going to make “dangling chads” look like child’s play.

 

Ivanka Buys Controlling Interest In Doc Johnson Products

The girl can’t help it. The ink had yet to dry on the closing documents when she pulled out her Stryker and started hawking. She’s a natural born seller.

Mrs. Kushner said her fascination with sex toys began when she discovered her Mama Ivana’s stash under her bed. A particular favorite was this exact copy of Jeff Stryker’s groinage, a stalwart of 1980s Gay Porn.

When asked if a model from her Mother’s generation would appeal to today’s dildo lovers, Ivanka winked and said, “slip it in, honey, you tell me.”

The Senior Advisor to the President also addressed rumors that there may be rifts in the Kushner-Trump union. She described Jared as a loving and understanding spouse. “Just because my husband was born with an abundance of good looks doesn’t mean he’s abundant in other departments.”

Trump Wants You Dead

If you’re Black, Latino, disabled, poor, gay or simply, god forbid, not white, Agent Orange has two words for you: You’re Expired.

You’re especially expired if you’re a senior freeloading on Social Security or worse, a senior in a nursing home syphoning tax dollars from Medicare too. That welfare money needs to be redirected to where it belongs: Wall Street.

As the Trump Virus ravages the country we find ourselves in the middle of a modern-day pogrom. No expensive camps to maintain, no messy ovens to clean up, just a silent, genetically engineered virus inuring itself into the general populace. So organic, so Clancy, so millennial.

It solidifies the US-China relationship that began in the 70’s with CIA Director Bush’s work in Beijing. Sure there’s some surface feuding going on today between the two countries. It provides an effective smoke screen. Underneath, the pandemic benefits both countries’ ruling elites.

In China’s class-free communist society, the entitled oligarchy has reaped trillions by providing cheap labor to the filthy capitalists in the West. These parvenues have been like Beverly Hillbillies on a Manhattan shopping spree snapping up every brand label they can find. Without a clue as to what they were buying. Like the Bordeaux they import by oil tanker loads then mix with Coke.

Bruised Chateau Margaux aside, China’s ruling class does not want to jeopardize its gravy train. They probably were more than happy to be complicit and use their closed society to incubate and release a viral agent. With a population of 1.5 billion, they could stand a little culling of the herd themselves.

An additional bonus for China was, as the world remained preoccupied with self-preservation, they could illegally annex Hong Kong. Western leaders mocked horror but did nothing. Just part of the trade-off.

China’s indentured servitude has benefited the US immensely since the Reagan Revolution. But then we’ve always done Master/Servant well, it’s practically in our Constitution. As long as the marketplace is “free ” it doesn’t matter that the labor force isn’t.

The biggest nightmare of Reaganites has always been the huge Social Security outlay when Baby Boomers retire. We’ve been hearing about it for 40 years.

It’s not that the money is not there. It’s that the One Per Centers have their eyes on that cash too. And since the aforementioned Revolution, Corporate America seems to win every battle there is with their bought and paid for Congress and Courts System.

When Capitalist Tools like Agent Orange and his cabinet of billionaire secretaries saw the opportunity to euthanize they seized it. Their circus of Ineptness is not by hazard. As long as confusion abounds and there is no coordinated federal response, no supplies, no testing, and no information, the infection rate soars. And until we see Trumps, Cabinet Secretaries, CEO’s, the uber-wealthy or any of their immediate family members dying from the disease, I’m not buying the egalitarian argument.

It makes perfect sense why the Secretary of Education is so persistent in having schools reopen without any logical justification. Ms. DeVos, whose family made their billions off of Defense Department Welfare, knows that the mortality rate in children is very low. She won’t be killing them in an obvious way. Yet. More importantly they make excellent vehicles for spreading any virus.

So spray the halls with tons of spittle and let’s kill Grandpa for Christmas!