Herman Cain’s Eulogy

Hearing of his dear friend’s death, Agent Orange informed the family he would be masklessly attending the services. They were thrilled.

The White House staff sprang into “travel mode,” i.e., finding the nearest PGA approved course so the President might get in 18 or even 36 holes. We’re talking golf here not grab ’em by the pussy. Normally a fair assumption but not for a somber occasion such as this.

Speech writing was picked up by a pasty skinned, pimpled staff prodigy from one of Virginia’s finest in-bred families. Their lineage dates back to Jamestown. The kid cut and pasted together a patchwork quilt remembrance worthy of Pericles.

The intern also benefitted from Trump’s file on Black Americans. The eulogy was sprinkled with tributes like “a seriously low IQ person,” “not really American” and “wasn’t even born in the US.”

Counselor to the President Kelly Conway happened to notice the draft on a desk as she bent over to barf into a wastebasket. No health concerns, just another purge to keep her adorable Size Zero runway figure. Although personally moved to tears, Conway realized it was not the right tone.

When a copy was leaked, the intern was removed from eulogy writing duties and reassigned. Meet your new chair of the COVID-19 Task Force!

The Cain family has since smoothed things over by saying services would be private and virtual. Agent Orange himself seemed a little contrite at his press conference, though he hid it well under his usual swagger.

After rambling on for over an hour about his new executive order restricting black home buying in the suburbs, he concluded by giving it an endearing sobriquet: Herm’s Law.

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