The Scariest Day of the Year

We may soon see 2020 as the year that one spooky day turned into a multi-day festival of fear.

Like events dependent on the lunar or Jewish calendars, Hallowection Days will develop a quirky coexistence with western logic. They will run from Halloween, incorporate All Saints Day then on to Election Day–the three scariest days of the year.

Because elections are the first Tuesday in November it means the holiday will vary from two to eight days depending on the calendar. The Vatican is working on a special new Electo-Mass 2000 for the rare years the election and All Saints coincide.

Democrats will argue that all days, no matter what the length of time, should be considered holidays. Republicans, with their one good ear on the graves of the founding fathers and their hands in the till, will strictly construct October 31st as the only day off. Justice Amy Conan-the-Barbarian may have the deciding vote on this one.

We are haunted by the ghost of Hillary’s inevitably. In 2016 when I lived in Palm Springs, election day was spent like all other days: in isolation with my air conditioning, my pool and no media. That evening I walked to the grocery store. The second I entered Ralph (I mean Ralphs) I sensed a stillness in the air laden with doom. Words were not necessary. 

Absent something astounding coming from the Great Silent Minority (i.e., Putin’s gaggle of hackers at Chernobyl A&M), there’s no way Biden can lose. Never has a deck been so completely stacked in someone’s favor.

If Biden does lose, it would mean we were not told the entire story. That’s hard to imagine with today’s skilled reporters.

Any vaudevillian (the profession formerly known as newscasters) will say don’t mess with a good story line. Infotainment experts from Anderson Cooper to Sean Hannity know to prop up the narrative when it’s needed to keep it going. Especially when Republicans are losing.

They report cries of “Fire Fauci!” in a crowd as a spontaneous outburst, the voices of the people striving to be heard. Not as the pre-paid sounds of political operatives planted to feed Agent Orange his cues. As Bob Woodward has taught us, save these nuggets for the best seller six months later.

Finally (thank god this thing is almost over so I can go back to writing about home decoration and how good I used to look), Cooper and Hannity will also point out there’s no ad revenue for their companies in races that don’t appear competitive. 

 

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