Trump Think

The main buildings housing the Library’s 11 books. Jeff Koons’ Colossus of Donald takes a Kaepernick on the horizon.

The Presidential Libraries Commission has approved the final design for the new research center dedicated to our 45th President’s Administration. It will be located in Plant City, Florida, former home of Tammy Wynette, George Jones and host of the nation’s largest annual Strawberry Festival.

Plant City was selected because of its close proximity to the nation’s leading white trash scholars. The Villages, which was the runner-up location, will offer daily shuttle service to the Center.

A traditional library format was not sought largely because the family only owns about a dozen books between them. The facility was modeled after the Carter Center, a place to study the few documents that remain after the redacting and shredding tsunami of Trump’s final days.

Trump University would have been the preferred name but that was precluded by lawsuits over the Russian-based scam that settled right before the 2016 election. Instead, the edgy, streamlined Trump Think is the new moniker (the question mark was dropped.)

The derelict, mid-20th Century cement block design was the style the Trumps were most comfortable with. A little white wash, a couple squirts of Fabreeze and you’d swear you’re in an I.M. Pei. Just like Mar-A-Lago.

Admission to the campus will be free! After self-parking for $375 a day in the Acropolis Parking Lot, you’ll want to visit the many fine satellite schools that comprise Trump Think. To get you started, here are a few suggestions:

The Melania Trump Give a Fuck Research Group. The First Lady has always bemoaned the fact there are many concepts not teached in the States that were teached back in her native Slovenia. She encourages fellows of the GFRG to think outside her the box.

Melania’s insight got them to focus on the effects of 6″ stiletto heels on one’s ability to string Christmas garlands. And the incumbent ennui that can be so debilitating.

It’s an alarming problem that has only recently surfaced. Without Mrs. Trump’s leadership, many of our yuletide traditions might have disappeared.

She truly cares. 

Guilfoyle Institute foe Self Expression and Effective Pubic Speaking. You heard me, EFFECTIVE PUBIC SPEAKING!!!!!!!!

Now take off your clothes and WALK AROUND THE APARTMENT NAKED WITH ME!!!


Bob Kraft’s Grab ‘Em Lounge. After a tough day of eating fast food, harassing foreigners and bullying the disabled, you’ll want to unwind in Bob’s Grab ‘Em Lounge. Through the auspices of the NFL’s giving arm, Not Who We Are Charities, Bob has donated the massage parlor where he was busted after Super Bowl LIII. (Unlike the President, I don’t speak Roman so I can’t translate.)

The Grab ‘Em’s signature cocktail is the Orchid of Asia: a hint of Indochine ginger that finishes off with a happy, explosive seltzer.

When asked if it wasn’t decadent to spend millions on physically relocating this trash heap, Bob got a little defensive. “I’ve cheated, lied and scammed to win six Super Bowls, I know what I’m doing. Since I put Orchid of Asia on the map, I can move it anywhere on the map I damn well please. I’m a fucking billionaire.”

Spoken like a true Trump Thinker. 

Jared’s Academy of the Failed’s Failing Failures. Jared is a disciple of Psychologist Dr. Sigmund Oscopy and his Doctrine of Approximate Meaning. The Vienna shrink teaches if the words you choose only come close to being correct you’ve won the battle. As long as you act knowledgeable.

It’s how Jared came up with the brilliant idea of calling Supreme Court Nominee Barrett, who attended Rhodes College, a Rhodes Scholar.

Jared recently cornered me at a New Jersey fundraiser saying he’d heard I enjoyed the Amish areas of Indiana’s Noble County. Then, in confidence, he whispered, “Don’t be shy about touting your Noble Prizes.” (Close enough for our purposes.)

Academy membership is limited to trust funders holding over a billion dollars in assets. You worked hard clawing your way out of Mom’s vaginal canal to claim your inheritance. Use your life to kick back and fuck up. It’s the law.

TiffTrump Studio for Personal Girth. Come join Tiff and her trainer, YO-YO, for intense cardio and good times. Mama Marla is available to do your manis and pedis after you work-out. Then it’s down to the Grab ‘Em for jello shots and Jäger Bombs with the whole gang!

Plant City’s Reigning Strawberry Queen with an overzealous Pretender who somehow got past security.

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