Would You Have My Baby?

If I were a carpenter, that is. Which I’m not as you can see from the pictures below.

The kitchen needs seating but is too small for a table. So I built a bar. Here’s how to do it.


Use donated planks from a well-meaning friend that aren’t quite the exact size. Attach metal braces to achieve the proper width.

Cut to fit lengthwise using the portable jig saw you haven’t touched in 10 years. It’s funny how the blade flies off if you haven’t tightened it properly.

The hours of consternation and reworking are worth it when you consider the couple of bucks you’re saving on a new, custom cut board.

Scrounge through your Mother’s basement to find a slab of pharmacy marble, preferably 23×50 inches and early 20th Century.

Order hairpin legs from Amazon and attach. Clean, wax then paint. Choose color wisely. Mine was a toss-up between white and lime green.

Have a friend help lift the two ton slab onto the base. Laugh out loud as he pops the stitches from his recent surgery.

Then listen to him laugh when your bifurcated two plank solution butterflies and you need to buy a custom cut piece of wood after all.
Spend half your social security check on decorative moulding. Paint, miter and prepare to glue.

Always remember: measure twice, think once.

Build up the base by gluing on landfill to make it flush with the marble. Slather with wood putty to create a smooth surface so the trim will adhere.

Humming the old hymn How Firm a Foundation makes this step go quickly.

A good buffing and Voila!

Not every piece of furniture needs to be a fine piece of furniture. But I doubt if Joseph of Nazareth himself could have done a better job on this one.






One thought on “Would You Have My Baby?

  1. Reminds me of a huge brested woman with spindley legs…no offense intended…
    I know you meant well…Go back to the law offices and leave the woodworking to
    Your friend Alexandria de Largo

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