Westward, Ho!

Who you callin' a ho?
Who you callin’ a ho?

Tuesday 11:00 PM CST, then again Wednesday 8:30 AM CST
I fell asleep mid-keystroke
Miami, OK

I did so want to get a shot of Whitey yesterday when he saw the St. Louis Arch. His expressions are priceless. However, between operating the multi-ton vehicle, fumbling with the iphone, and trying to figure out which interstate to use since they completely closed down mine, I didn’t get it done.

I did tell him what that arch signified: over one billion suckered into manifesting their destiny. He was more curious about Santa Claus.

As the day started I had to decide whether I would be making stops at quirky attractions on the Odyssey. It slows you down but adds texture to the blog. So I’m doing it case by case.

Texture occurred an hour out of New Albany, the exit sign for Santa Claus, IN. I’d never been in this section of the state before and I’d always been curious. Why not.

Getting off the interstate I was reminded to write to Pelosi about pushing her Truth in Exit Signage bill through. SC was 8 miles away.

My first navigational dilemma of the journey occurred in downtown Santa. I don’t have to tell you what the morning commute is like on Christmas Blvd. I missed my turn into Santaland. Before I knew it I was on a country two lane highway headed towards Cynthiana.

My Siberian exchange student's first exposure to St. Nick
My Siberian exchange student’s first exposure to St. Nick

I thought of squaring the mile because you can always rely on those country grids. But since the road was empty I slowed down at an intersection and executed my first Uhaul U-ie. It was beautifully done.

Like every Christmas I’ve ever had, Santa Claus was a disappointment. Is that all there is? A strip mall with what looked like interesting merchandise, the quirk I crave, but they wouldn’t open for another hour. I had to keep moving.

There was a dress shop open that had some Santa stuff so I went in. I was greeted with the overwhelming fragrance of cheap candle, the Cloying Chokehold scent if I’m not mistaken. I made a purchase and photo-oped.

Later in a New Baden, IL restroom I happened on a rubbers machine worthy of the Beggars Banquet censored cover. It reminded me that Kathy and Linda were recently at a hotel in Reno and unbeknownst to them one of those Furry Animal Costume Sex Fest Conventions was going on (hetero sex is so disgusting.)

If lightning were to strike twice I do have my Siberian mask with me. And protection to go with it.

How do I explain this to Whitey
How do I explain this to Whitey

Next: A Uhauler’s Nightmare
Previous: Trucker Etiquette

For the complete travelogue see On the Odyssey Road
For the complete eviction saga, From the Beginning
Contact: ellistoellis@gmail.com

One thought on “Westward, Ho!

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